Delhi

Today is such a wet day. The rain hasn't let up since I have woken up. I am listening to Sufjan and I am remembering Delhi. People who know what Delhi is like often have this strange expression on their face when they ask me about it-as if they're daring me to say something awful about it. And I usually do. I complain about the weather, the people, how much I hated the entire experience. But these days I find myself thinking about Delhi a lot with a surprising amount of wistfulness. Like I wish I could have made better use of it. I think I miss Delhi more now because even though it was painful being there, my relationship with it was more obvious. More laid out. It was a very love-hate relationship. It treated me awfully (at times)and I would malign it as much as I could- when it suited me. Often enough though, I'd feel like I was talking about an unwanted family member. The point of course is that it still remained family.

I live in Bangalore now. I feel like we're still withholding judgement on each other. It's a lot more uncomfortable-this not knowing. This sense of alien-ness. The inability to complain because my mind hasn't been made up yet. Delhi was also family because I had family there. I remember them now and I can't believe how somethings have changed. Maybe all this remembering is because of the rain. Right now, it's coming down like needles- piercing everything with sharp clarity. The fog that has surrounded me seems to be lifting from me briefly. And I remember things. I remember standing in our hostel bathroom and watching the rain at night glowing in the yellow light. I remember I calling me for this rain ritual of ours. I remember friends and I remember family. Maybe it's Sufjan. I first heard him with A. I remember lying flat on my back in her room- always listening to music and not talking. I don't remember what I used to think about then, but I remember being happy. Maybe because I didn't think. I was just.. being. If I could just be- I would go back. But being as we know it can't be contrived. It just happens. Delhi just happened. And that's how I must remember it.